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| It’s so upsetting. I almost cant talk about it without riling myself up, though everyone knows that in an argument the most important thing is to keep cool. I did keep cool and I didn’t make a fool of myself, but that line of defense really broke inside. No one saw it, but it did.
You’d think it would be a walk in a park to have a debate with a hot-headed insecure teenager who can’t even articulate his ideas properly, that I shouldn’t even take offense at anything, but truly even when a little boy who knows nothing points at you and says something like “you’re ugly”, it’s hard not to take it personally.
I hate what this world is now. You cant separate politics with anything. Everything is tainted with it, even something as simple as the Olympics. It’s so sad. Politics are dirty, filthy, terrible.
You’ve got the extremist standing there thinking he knows everything. The bunches of people taking the western orthodox view, completely sure in their own moral correctness. But no, there isn’t any black and white. I tread in the grey area and no one can hear what I’m saying. Because they cant see past black and white. Me, being unfortunately born out of the comfort zone, being a hybrid of two cultures, I see both sides of the spectrum, and I can take neither side nor can I stand in the middle. It really is a time when you feel utterly completely alone.
Linking darfur with the Olympics, linking Tibet. It’s all fine and dandy to them. Yes, what is going on in darfur is horrible, is wrong, it makes me sick. Yes, the Tibetan people have been suppressed, they have probably been colonized, yes there is wrong in the Chinese government. Colonization. But your government has done it too! So many times before! Don't even try to pretend you haven’t! does that make it right? No it doesn't. but that tells you you don't have the write to point fingers. Every government is flawed. Especially a relatively new one like china’s. but of course you choose not to see that. They’re trying so hard, they really are. They’re trying to make it better, trying to change. But you don't see that. You are so blind. You are all so cruel.
fuck the government. The Olympics aren’t about the Chinese government. The Olympics are about the Chinese people. Fuck you, you cold hearted politicians. I see a little girl out there, a little boy, a family, it’s year 2000 and they’re so happy that Beijing got it, that we can do it, that yes China finally means something.
How many years have other countries trodden on us? From 1780 to the 21st century. China has been looked down upon. Racist people have pointed their fingers, pointed at our slanty eyes, our yellow skin, calling us ugly, calling us inferior, calling us animals. Now you think it’d be different. Year 2000 we were turning over a new leaf. We want to stand up too. We don't want to look like a bunch of fucking communists who are fucking stupid because their government is being al qeada: aha, that’s China in the eyes of the westerners. We don't want to the sick man of the east, we don't want to be looked down at again by other people. “are you Japanese or Korean? Oh. You’re Chinese. Oh.” The negative connotations are so obvious, so utterly cruel, so thoughtless. It’s so effortless to be cruel. Because we’re a third world country. Because we don't have as many skyscrapers, as many highways and as many rich people prancing around. Because we’re all fucking communists. Always a part of the cold war, always that anti-communist, anti-asian sentiment rearing its head. They’re scared of china developing. They get scared and they pop their collars and pull in darfur and Tibet as excuses, oh they pile on those excuses. They want to see china fall. They want to see china fail, china be humiliated. They love it. They drink it in. then they disseminate their propaganda. They say, boycott the Olympics. It’s a political event.
But what about the Chinese people? What about their hopes and dreams and their pride and their own nationalism? What about that?
That? Oh. Feed it to the fucking dogs.
But do you know a Chinese person like I do?
Have you seen a chinese old grandma laugh?
Have you seen these people, talked to them, the peasants the school children the professors? Their hopes, their smiles, their love for their country, that finally will be great again?
They don't know shit about politics. They're just people. Maybe they’re dumb as a doorknob. But what they want, pride for their country, it’s so simple. It’s so simple it breaks my heart.
And you’re coming to take it away.
The world now, it scares me. I only say my opinion, but I get slammed again and again by people trying to be hippies, trying to be cool by being so called liberal, being a libertarian, an anarchist, whatever. They only have that one line of defense, it comes up like a broken record over and over again. They say look here, your government is horrible, look at this look at this look at this. We’re trying to help you. The only way we can help you overthrow the horrible government and have an amazing life is to boycott the Olympics. Create a huge campaign about how horrible Chinese factories and medicine are, too, while we’re at it. Write a huge expose about the problems in china. Then, the next step we can go in and “help you” get rid of your horrible government. See?
Just Like iraq, what a wonderful success that was! we’ll do it to you too! Joy all around!
What does it really mean to be liberal? Do you even fucking know?
Open your eyes. Are you helping us? You’re dealing us a big blow. It would hurt so much if the Olympics failed. It would not help Tibet, it would not help darfur. It would probably help the egos of the western politicians. It would humiliate china, yes, again. Again and again. History repeating itself. I guess Chinese people do not deserve to stand up. I guess the Chinese people deserve to be slammed again and again. I guess we can just all read more rejection letters, more, please.
Oh I’m so upset. I cant describe it. I’m not even a person who likes debates. I hate them. But I have to speak up for myself because no one is speaking up for me. No, I’m not a pro-communist sympathizer, but will you believe that? No you wont.
You want the honest to goodness truth? I couldn't give a shit about communism. I don't think mao is a hero, I think he was a flawed man who made many bad decisions later on in his life. I think the Chinese government is somewhat suppressive, has been far from perfect. I don't think china is perfect. But I don't think any government is either. Not yours, not yours, not yours. You all think you’re right. I think I’m right too. Who the fuck is really right?
Why cant you look at it another way? Why cant you see how a Chinese person would feel, think. You are so sure that you are correct, but in your assertions you expose yourself to be stone cold.
I open my eyes to darfur, to Tibet. Sometimes the world is so horrible I don't want to go on living, sometimes I feel like others have been suffering so much that I don't deserve to be happy. Sometimes, I feel so small, I feel like nothing at all. But then how could I go on living. How can I go on living when there are still people out there, people like him, pointing fingers, laughing? I have no side to go on. to even live, I have to forget this, and I will, maybe in 2 hours, maybe in 3. But it will come back every time, I know it. There are so many people in this world with views unlike mine. And I will prepare to get slammed and keep my calm. And I will prepare to break down inside again. 1 of him I can take, 1 of him I can stand. But 10? 100? 1000?
I’m going to get thrust into this world so soon and I don't know if I can take it. I hate it.
I’m crying because I love china, I really do. I’m Chinese too! Why cant I be Chinese? Are we coming back to the million dollar question that about a million people have asked me in my life? Don't ask me whether I’m more Chinese or more Canadian! Why do I have to be one or the other?!
I thought him, a teacher, of all people, would understand.
But no one does, as usual.
Who am I angry at? I don't even fucking know. I’m angry at the present world condition. I’m angry at how we cant change it, how everything is like THIS.
Sometimes I wish I was as dumb as a doorknob. I wish I could just give a goofy smile and say, “I don't know what politics are. Is America in the united states?”
I almost want to be that person. Then I wouldn't care.
All I’d care about is shoes and food and my fucking hairstyle.
Then I’d be fucking happy.
And after you read this, you are probably already coming up with a list of counter arguments in your head, ready to write them down, and send them to me, and maybe they’ll make sense and maybe they wont. But it doesn't even matter. Because that’s what sad about it. Because me being genuine, it doesn't mean a thing. Me having an emotional breakdown. Because now there’s only black and white, and now I’m labeled as an extremist, and now I’m a communist, and now, now I;m stupid, because according to you everything I have said is wrong. As usual. Go on.
It’s impossible to write about politics today and not be completely torn apart. Some people think it’s fun. I think it’s horrible.
| | |
| feeling extremely anti-social. | | |
| i'm messed up.
there are some things that i am so glad have happened
but now i realize they probably shouldnt have happened at all.
sometimes i ask myself
do i want to move on into the future or stay sobbing about my past?
and the answer is so easy.
i dont even have to think.
and yet i do, i always do.
i think and i analyze and i obsess.
and i think and i analyze and i obsess and what do i do in the end?
i disppoint myself like always.
at least i know i dont think of YOU anymore.
well fuck you.
that's right, that's what i've always wanted to say.
i know i cant blame you for being an immature little boy, but i want to say it anyway.
who's responsible for my misery?
it cant possibly be my oh-so-emo self.
then it can only be you.
i'm going to drive you right back to the very end of my memory and plant you there so you cant bother me.
and yet.
| | |
| hi my comrades. i've had a pretty mediocre time since my last entry.
you can say that my life is a total bore,
so i tend to seek refuge "stupid things" such as reading endless piles of magazines
and watching shows like "projecy runway".
honey, project runway is my official favorite show.
i went out and got myself a pirated dvd ( the guy who sold it totally cheated me off my money, by the way)
and watched season 1-3 manically nonstop until i had savored every bit of it ( and those bastards who made the thing, they didnt add in the last episode of season 3! wtf! i swear this was on purpose!!!! -_-^)
so i had to go online and see the collections.
THOUGHTS:
season one:::::
favorite: Austin!!! of course. I was totally in love with Austin. and come on, he's just adorable. especially this:
not the best picture ever but oh well. this was the most gorgeous dress i have ever seen on project runway period( jeffrey's green stripey one in his collection came as a close second).
I was also sad about seeing Mario leave ( he was my eye candy for this season). come on, look at this:
ok so not exactly the best picture of him ever ( he looks very very not good in this photo), but man when he takes his cigarette and looks at you with his bedroom eyes, takes a puff and goes all "yep, i'm done. just chill, man. beautiful day out." arghhhhhhhhh hotness hotness *swoon*
i was drooling all over him but those stupid judges couldnt see past the superficial and made him leave so early in the show! ( intelligent indignant face) whatever. he deserved another chance, if only for being so hot. yes, i know he's gay. shut up. he's just confused obviously ( lol).
Jay Mccaroll was a great designer and a helluva lot better than kara saun or horrible wendy pepper. so even though Austin didn't win, he was my near second choice, so okay.
yep, so great season. except for horrible wendy pepper obviously. how she managed to make it that far will forever be a mystery. actually i blame it all on that stupid woman( forgot her name) who works for some sort of entertainment show and wanted to go to the grammys. that stupid woman went ahead and chose wendy pepper as the winner and ELIMINATED Austin. wanted to strangle her. people these days obviously have no taste whatsoever.
okayy. moving on. season two:::
season two was a great season. I actually loved the designs of Santino and Chloe, and I was very glad that Chloe won. go asians ( =_=).
i liked this a lot. you can never have enough gold. good job chloe dear.
and this from santino ( who is very talented despite the hatred etc):
however, there was one thing i definitely loved most about season two. and that was:
*duh duh duh duh*
DANIEL VOSOVIC!
oh. my. lord.
just saying his name turns me on. he must have been the hottest guy i have seen in light years.and his personality was by far the best on the show. his smile... he's perfect. and angel from heaven.
i didnt like his designs very much though, but each to their own i guess. daniel vosovic is tremendously hot nonetheless.
*drools*
sorry for putting that huge one in there, but.
oh god, it's worth every burning hot pixel, isnt it?
oh daniel v, why are you gay????????
i also enjoyed seeing daniel franco's hilarious return.
season 3::::
not my favorite season i have to say. no particular favorite designers actually.
I really didn't like Jeffrey at first but his collection was excellent, especially this dress:
I would wear this every single day of summer.
Michael was great earlier on the show, but his collection sucked. looked like it was designed for a hooker. talk about horrible, tacky, slutty. ugh.
Uli's collection was really not my style, but she's a good designer.
Laura's was the total worst of the bunch. it made me PUKE.
look at this:
who the hell would wear something like this? ugh. it looks like a dead black rat draped over a table cloth. nasty.
i cant even imagine a person a little bit larger than a size two wearing this without looking totally hideous, not like it doesnt look totally hideous already.
what i was disappointed about was, no hot guys on this season. bugger. oh well. watched it to see the designs anyhow. oh yeah, and some more daniel just to wrap it up:
hello gorgeous.
<3
okay honeybuns i'll be out for awhile.
excuse me while i go read Teen Vogue.
love from your ridiculous blogger
May
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| now i feel like we never were anything at all. We Might As Well Be Strangers -Keane I don't know your face no more
Or feel the touch that I adore
I don't know your face no more
It's just a place I'm looking for
We might as well be strangers in another town
We might as well be living in a different world
We might as well
We might as well
We might as well
I don't know your thoughts these days
We're strangers in an empty space
I don't understand your heart
It's easier to be apart
We might as well be strangers in another town
We might as well be living in another time
We might as well
We might as well
We might as well be strangers
Be strangers
For all I know of you now
For all I know of you now
For all I know of you now
For all I know it's funny how i'm positive that i've moved on, but somehow it just really sucks. yeah. at the end you had to choose the pretty face. oh god, i'm such a fucking failure. | | |
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